Yesterday I had a kick ass run on the treadmill.
I learned all kinds of goodies about myself that made me feel incredible. I made good choices, I proved I could do it...yada yada and all that inspiring stuff. I had a wonderful idea for a post. Only...
Yesterday evening I saw a picture that sent me into a tailspin.
It was a model in a bikini.
My first thought? Man that's disgusting. She looks ill.
My second thought? I'm a cow. (April has seriously restricted the words I can use to personally insult myself. Basically as I come up with one, she bans it from my vocabulary.)
All of a sudden whatever victory I'd acheived on the treadmill vanished. Then again only in my world is running a 10:30 m/m pace a victory. Thus the downward spiral began.
While sleep always helps these things, today I'm still left processing it all. When I first logged onto twitter this morning I noticed that Ryan on his "No More Bacon" blog posted this.
But then of course, I can't help but hear the voice of my friend in the back of my head who, upon hearing about Operation Beautiful, proclaimed that the project must have been started by some fat chick who was just trying to make herself feel better. (I post this knowing full well this not to be the case, but the idea sticks with me.)
Also in my head? Trying to come up with my starting post for the new Sisterhood challenge.
I've decided to do a weigh in to start and one to finish - with none in between. The result of getting on the scale today? I'm at 138.8 - the highest number I've ever seen on the scale. I'm supposed to come up with some challenges for myself and goals I want to reach through the challenge and I'm struggling.
What I want?
To weigh 115 pounds
To like the way I look in the mirror
To easily run a sub 10 m/m
To believe my husband when he says he likes my body
(he's a salesman - his job is to tell people what they wanna here - I can promise I'm not his "type")
None of those are realistic.
How do I begin to build goals that motivate me. Sure I could say "to lose 3 pounds for the challenge". But honestly 135 doesn't look all that much different, so what's the point?
These feelings are getting jumbled with thoughts for a post I had about loving yourself as you are (ha!) and dressing your body so you feel and look great.
I don't know how to end this post. I quite obviously don't have the answers. So I'll end with a prayer.
I was chatting with a friend several days ago and she was telling me that while she's been recovered from an ED for several years, she still battles some worries regarding her disorder. I promised to pray for her. In my regular prayer time, but also when I struggle with body image issues of my own. I figured that way she'd really get bathed in prayer!
Please be with her right now. You know her thoughts better than even she does. You know where she needs to be for optimal health. Take her hand and guide her there.
Be with everyone reading this prayer, that they might use their bodies in a way that spreads your love to others and brings You glory.
In Christ's name ~ Amen