Yesterday I had a kick ass run on the treadmill.
I learned all kinds of goodies about myself that made me feel incredible. I made good choices, I proved I could do it...yada yada and all that inspiring stuff. I had a wonderful idea for a post. Only...
Yesterday evening I saw a picture that sent me into a tailspin.
It was a model in a bikini.
My first thought? Man that's disgusting. She looks ill.
My second thought? I'm a cow. (April has seriously restricted the words I can use to personally insult myself. Basically as I come up with one, she bans it from my vocabulary.)
All of a sudden whatever victory I'd acheived on the treadmill vanished. Then again only in my world is running a 10:30 m/m pace a victory. Thus the downward spiral began.
While sleep always helps these things, today I'm still left processing it all. When I first logged onto twitter this morning I noticed that Ryan on his "No More Bacon" blog posted this.
But then of course, I can't help but hear the voice of my friend in the back of my head who, upon hearing about Operation Beautiful, proclaimed that the project must have been started by some fat chick who was just trying to make herself feel better. (I post this knowing full well this not to be the case, but the idea sticks with me.)
Also in my head? Trying to come up with my starting post for the new Sisterhood challenge.
I've decided to do a weigh in to start and one to finish - with none in between. The result of getting on the scale today? I'm at 138.8 - the highest number I've ever seen on the scale. I'm supposed to come up with some challenges for myself and goals I want to reach through the challenge and I'm struggling.
What I want?
To weigh 115 pounds
To like the way I look in the mirror
To easily run a sub 10 m/m
To believe my husband when he says he likes my body
(he's a salesman - his job is to tell people what they wanna here - I can promise I'm not his "type")
None of those are realistic.
How do I begin to build goals that motivate me. Sure I could say "to lose 3 pounds for the challenge". But honestly 135 doesn't look all that much different, so what's the point?
These feelings are getting jumbled with thoughts for a post I had about loving yourself as you are (ha!) and dressing your body so you feel and look great.
I don't know how to end this post. I quite obviously don't have the answers. So I'll end with a prayer.
I was chatting with a friend several days ago and she was telling me that while she's been recovered from an ED for several years, she still battles some worries regarding her disorder. I promised to pray for her. In my regular prayer time, but also when I struggle with body image issues of my own. I figured that way she'd really get bathed in prayer!
Dear Lord,
Please be with her right now. You know her thoughts better than even she does. You know where she needs to be for optimal health. Take her hand and guide her there.
Be with everyone reading this prayer, that they might use their bodies in a way that spreads your love to others and brings You glory.
In Christ's name ~ Amen
Oh, Brooke. =( My heart goes out to you, and I will be praying for YOU. You are such a motivation to so many people -- myself at the top of that list -- and I hate that you feel this way about yourself. I have seen pics/videos of you that you've posted and can attest that you are serious hot stuff, even if you don't believe it yourself.
ReplyDeleteI could say all the BS stuff but it's up to us what is in our head! Only you can change your mental outlook but you already know that.
ReplyDeleteSo I will just add my AMEN to the end of your prayer!!
I'll second the "amen" to your prayer...
ReplyDeleteand congratulate you on your kickass run...
as for the other stuff, I know how easy it is to go into those downward spirals after one tiny trigger - but I'm with Judith, you're too much of an inspiration to all of us for me to believe any of that BS. :P
Praying for you and your friend today! No matter what you decide to do for your goals for this month they will be the goals YOU need!
ReplyDeletei had a major cry fest saturday morning because of dumb body issues. i hate that we all have to deal with this!
ReplyDeleteway to go on the great run :)
I thought about checking my weight and measurements just at the start and finish of challenge, but I can see myself "forgetting" to challenge myself in between.
ReplyDeleteEating disorders are a terrible thing to have to deal with. Praying for your friend.
I would not say any of those goals are unrealistic, except perhaps the 115 goal - you would look absolutely ILL at 115. My heart just breaks when you can't see the beautiful woman that we all see. That picture of the bikini model you saw was probably retouched beyond recognition. The model probably wouldn't even recognize herself. And as for not being J's type - if you weren't his type, he wouldn't have married you. Even if he's a butthead sometimes and likes to look at tall, leggy, busty girls, doesn't mean he doesn't love you and think you are the hawtest girl on the plant.
ReplyDeleteI love you. Lots of people love you. I pray you can love yourself. Believe it.
You are amazing & beautiful and SUCH an encouragement, Brooke! And you are definitely Jay's type, or he wouldn't have married you. I completely understand what it's like to see that picture, but those girls aren't healthy (& the picture has probably been touched up). That post you linked up to is great ~ it's nice to see men who think that way! What a beautiful prayer! <3
ReplyDeleteOh my friend. I don't know what to say. My heart aches for you, for ALL those (including myself), who just can't seem to be content to live healthy lifestyles.
ReplyDeleteThere IS a freedom from this prison. I KNOW it's there, and that the key is Christ's unconditional love and God's loving hand in creating us a certain way for a certain purpose. I guess most often I just don't know what that is. Or I just flat out disagree with God about how my body should look.
And yikes, that's dangerous territory! Let's you and I not go there!! There is something to be said for accepting our physical shape, but we also need to take good care of our bodies. There IS a balance. We WILL find it. And we CAN do that for the glory of God, especially if we do it together, encouraging and inspiring each other along the way.
I love that you looked to the Lord for this. I often look to myself, when the first place I need to look is to Christ.
ReplyDelete:( Pretty sure the word COW is now banned from your vocab, too.
ReplyDeleteSTOP the self-hating. You are beautiful.
♥ you
ReplyDeleteadding a prayer to yours, that you are bathed in His love, His peace and that you would see yourself as He sees you.
:-)