October 12, 2010

To Post or Not to Post

Last night I had a mini-breakdown. 

Well I say mini, but that only means that nothing was thrown and no one was sent to the nuthouse.

Yesterday was the first day I really felt my weight gain.  In case you missed it - I've gained back 10 of the 15 pounds I lost over the course of last year.  Only I managed to find it again in just a couple of months.

I felt my double chin when I tucked my head down to swim.  I felt my inner thighs rub as I walked into work wearing a dress with no hosiery.  I just felt fat. 

When I got home the Mutant just noticed that I was wearing a dress, and not the thunder thighs the Maxi dress was covering.  He seemed to like what he saw, but since when does that matter?

Then I logged into my email and saw that I had a dailymile comment.  I had asked a DM friend and fellow 10 mile racer where she'd gotten the picture of herself she posted.  Her comment gave me the link to the pictures she'd been given at the finish line.  Apparently the bananas and bottled water weren't the only things long gone before I crossed.

I clicked on the link and navigated to the pictures of bib # 51-100.  I was bib 76, but was toward the back as they were posted in order they were taken. 

I found myself.  Then immediately began to cry.

I had thought my new black shorts were the perfect length running shorts.  Not so long that they hit my knee but not so short that they exposed too much of my leg.

I thought wrong.

Not only was half my leg out there for the world to see, but my inner thigh rubbage was causing a bad case of camel toe.  And my face was smiling - oblivous to it all.

Jay could hardly believe I was crying over something so silly.  Of course my wonderful twitter friends were there to comfort me, telling me how wrong I must be.  A couple tweeps even asked to see it.

This morning, for a brief moment, I considered posting it here.  Maybe following the picture I would comment on it as if it were a picture of you I was commenting all - complimenting your best features.

Then I worried that labeling myself a "fat cow" would offend someone...after in my head at least I'm not the largest person in the blog-o-sphere.  What if someone larger than me thought I was calling them a cow too?

No, surely we all understand that we are our own harshest critic. 

So I uploaded it.

And promptly deleted it.

I'm just not ready.  Maybe one day I'll become a part of the exposed movement, but for now I'm playing it save.  Posting waist up photos so you can't see the real me.  The whole me.

Don't I look insanely happy for someone who's just ran 7 miles and has the promise of 3 more to go?


  1. You are beautiful. There is nothing more to say, other than the fact that you ARE your own harshest critic and she needs a serious dope slap upside the head.

  2. Ditto to Bari!

    You look fabulous! quit beating yourself up for what ONLY YOU see. you are only sabatoging yourself! get THE SECRET & read/listen to it. quick!

  3. You are very harsh on yourself. You look great and HAPPY.

  4. I'm sitting here sick as a dog, wanting to hurl at any given moment and I read your post and tears fill my eyes b/c I cAn feel your pain. I think you are absolutely beautiful. You may think you have thunder thighs but I do not. I have many things that I'm not thrilled with my body, but I choose to celebrate what I do like. Maybe it's my age (I am 38), but life is too short to agonize over my squishy tummy, my saggy ta-ta's and the gray hair popping up. I to celebrate ME. I want to celebrate YOU.

  5. Amen, MommyMo! We are here to celebrate YOU, Brooke. And that picture? I swear is not bad.at.all. You look amazing because you are smiling at mile 7! And the picture shows your legs which propelled you smiling to mile 7 and then 3 more miles down the road. Love you, Brooke. I can't wait until you can love yourself more too!

  6. Ok, so here's a realization I had this weekend. Our bodies are the shape they are. We can tone, diet, exercise, lipo, lift, tuck, etc but in the end there's only so much we have control over.

    You have beautiful hips and thighs that not only carry you through 10+ mile runs but also make you sexy and appealing to the mutant. When he looks at you he doesn't see you the way you see you. He sees a healthy, sexy woman. Now it's your turn to quit obsessing over your shape and embrace it.

    You ARE smart, strong AND sexy. Own it.

  7. I would personally like to flick you. And I mean that with all the love in the world. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are everyone's biggest support except your own. I can't wait until the day you look in the mirror and see what the rest of us see, Brooke. As Melissa said, OWN IT. XO

  8. You know what I see when I look at that picture? A strong, healthy woman, full of determination.
    It makes me so sad that you beat on yourself so badly. Don't do it!
    We love you. You need to love you.

  9. A wise woman just told me funny how other people see us differently than we see ourselves...words so true. You are a strong, beautiful woman. Remember you are loved.

  10. You look happy in the picture, and it looks like you aren't thinking about how you look ~ which is a good thing! & if Jay likes what he sees, then you should believe him! ;)

  11. ((hug))

    i go through closet trauma a lot. and i cringe every time i see that i've been tagged in a photo on facebook, because i can't stand the way i look right now.

    erm, this isn't all that encouraging, is it. i guess i'm saying that in a way i get it.

    but at some point you have to believe what your mutant says about you--because he loves you for YOU.
    and trust those who know and love you best, because they see you for you as well :)

  12. I heart the real you, you are an amazing woman and I'm sorry you had to be smacked with something like that.

    We all have things we don't like, but we can work on almost all of those and I know you will, but don't forget about all the other amazing things about you that we all see.

    Hugs girl, love ya!

  13. Gawd I can relate. A few weeks ago I did a 30-mile ride that had photographers posted around the route. When I found my pictures, I cried the rest of the day...I hated how I looked on my bike. It didn't match how bad-ass I'd felt for training all summer (and doing a 50-mile ride a couple weeks before the fateful 30-miler).

    I can't say anything more than the other ladies have...and I'd feel like a bit of a hypocrite if I slapped you for being so hard on yourself. All I can say is that we both need to learn to love ourselves better...no matter what.

  14. I wish us all telling you how lovely you are would help you see it, too. (((hug))) Reading this really brings out the mom in me, because my heart breaks a little for you and all the lovely young things that carry this type of pain in their hearts.

  15. (Yes, I realize that the above makes me sound about 58,000 years old. ;-)

  16. I think that is a great picture of you! You look radiant!! But, I totally understand how you feel because I know I would be bothered too. And it's easier said then done, but DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF.

    On another note, I've going to the left as far as food is concerned and am trying to eat traditional/real/slow foods. It's really helped with my sugar cravings AND INTUITIVE EATING. It hasn't been a week yet, but just wanted to share it with you because it seems like you and I have similar issues. Don't think I'm weird. ;)


  17. Girl, YOU ARE SMART STRONG AND SEXY!! Not to mention, created in God's Image. How could you be less than perfect with Him as your FATHER!! Love ya!

  18. Oh, hon - you are beautiful! Please know that what you are seeing in the mirror does not match what everyone else sees! I love your photo!

    By the way, can you give me the link to the 10-miler photos? I want to see if they've got mine - and then I can show you some chubby legs!

  19. Oh, Brooke, you are beautiful. I wish you could see just how much from those who look at you. I agree with Bari - you are your own harshest critic. I love your sweet face, not cut it out before I take you over my knee! ;)

  20. Aww, Brooke you are beautiful. I found the same type of picture from my 6K this weekend. I was running in with a big smile on my face, my eyes were closed and then I looked down to see my tank top had come up and my stomach was hanging out. I knew I was pulling it down through out the entire race but I didn’t realize I needed to do it then too. I’ve since gone back to find this photo and it’s been removed. That kind of hurt me more then the picture did. Yes it was a horrible picture but I was running in the Love Your Body race. Because of that I think I’m going to join the exposed movement.

    Okay, sorry I went off onto my own story for a minute. You are a smart, strong and sexy woman. You are beautiful inside and out and one of the nicest people I’ve meet in this blogging world. You’ve supported me in my little trials and have been wonderful about it. You are beautiful. I wish there was something I could do to help you see it. I know how difficult it is to find it in you (I’ve been there and I hated it). But I have faith that someday you will have the confidence in yourself and you will see how beautiful and amazing you are.


  21. How is it that I haven't commented on this yet? Ditto what everyone else has said. Brooke, you are amazingly beautiful, inside and out. The only person who doesn't see the truth of that is you.

    I know for a fact that you would never say these kinds of things about my body. You would use words like *powerful* and *strong* and *perfect just the way you are*. I know this for a fact because you've done so in the past.

    Please, my friend, be at least as good a friend to yourself as you are to someone you've never even met. You deserve to be loved by YOU!

  22. I can't believe you have such a great smile on your face after running that much. The face I'd be sporting after RUNNING (crap, walking even) 7 miles would scare everyone. And though I'm not one to talk, I also can't believe with everything that you kick a$$ at, you are still so hard on yourself. Look in the mirror and check out that smart/strong/sexy girl!


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