Last night I had a mini-breakdown.
Well I say mini, but that only means that nothing was thrown and no one was sent to the nuthouse.
Yesterday was the first day I really felt my weight gain. In case you missed it - I've gained back 10 of the 15 pounds I lost over the course of last year. Only I managed to find it again in just a couple of months.
I felt my double chin when I tucked my head down to swim. I felt my inner thighs rub as I walked into work wearing a dress with no hosiery. I just felt fat.
When I got home the Mutant just noticed that I was wearing a dress, and not the thunder thighs the Maxi dress was covering. He seemed to like what he saw, but since when does that matter?
Then I logged into my email and saw that I had a dailymile comment. I had asked a DM friend and fellow 10 mile racer where she'd gotten the picture of herself she posted. Her comment gave me the link to the pictures she'd been given at the finish line. Apparently the bananas and bottled water weren't the only things long gone before I crossed.
I clicked on the link and navigated to the pictures of bib # 51-100. I was bib 76, but was toward the back as they were posted in order they were taken.
I found myself. Then immediately began to cry.
I had thought my new black shorts were the perfect length running shorts. Not so long that they hit my knee but not so short that they exposed too much of my leg.
I thought wrong.
Not only was half my leg out there for the world to see, but my inner thigh rubbage was causing a bad case of camel toe. And my face was smiling - oblivous to it all.
Jay could hardly believe I was crying over something so silly. Of course my wonderful twitter friends were there to comfort me, telling me how wrong I must be. A couple tweeps even asked to see it.
This morning, for a brief moment, I considered posting it here. Maybe following the picture I would comment on it as if it were a picture of you I was commenting all - complimenting your best features.
Then I worried that labeling myself a "fat cow" would offend someone...after in my head at least I'm not the largest person in the blog-o-sphere. What if someone larger than me thought I was calling them a cow too?
No, surely we all understand that we are our own harshest critic.
So I uploaded it.
And promptly deleted it.
I'm just not ready. Maybe one day I'll become a part of the exposed movement, but for now I'm playing it save. Posting waist up photos so you can't see the real me. The whole me.
Don't I look insanely happy for someone who's just ran 7 miles and has the promise of 3 more to go?