For those of you visiting from the Sisterhood, I'll warn you right now this won't be your typical Weigh-in Wednesday post. There have been a lot of things clanging around in my head this week, especially this morning.
To understand what's going on up there, I need to introduce you to myself.
See the one with the scraggly beard and the knife? See where Jesus has to clean up the mess and reattach that dude's ear from where one of His crazy followers cut it off? Yeah that's me. (The chop-er not the chop-ee)
In my head I know the way things should go. I have everything in neat orderly columns and expect them to stay there. When things don't go the way I think they ought, I lash out. Maybe violently, throwing something across the room or hitting something (never someone I promise!). Sometimes its just with words, saying hurtful nasty things that no one deserves to hear.
Then after that initial surge of adrenaline, I run. I try to distance myself, pretend it doesn't exist. Pretend my Savior isn't getting beaten before my eyes.
After that comes the sorrow. The total and utter humiliation for what I've just done. I'm exhausted - for nothing. Things are the exact same as they would have been had I not ever flown off the handle.
Peter (Jesus ministry Peter, not the post-ascension Peter) is so me, that when I first watch Passion of the Christ I sobbed uncontrollably. Not at the beatings, at the nail being driven in, or the bloody mess that the sin of the world turned Jesus into.
I cried like a baby that moment (in the video up top) where Peter denies Jesus 3 times. After the 3rd time, Jesus looks at Peter - and Peter doesn't know what to do with himself. He's overcome with grief. (Minute 3:09-3:24 of the video)
And so was I.
What does this have to do with weight loss? Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.
Here are the facts. I'm a hard core perfectionist. Following the rules helped me to lose 15 pounds. Obsession with the rules became my god. Realization of that caused me to abandon everything I know about healthy living.
Leaving me sitting here currently wearing those 15 pounds I lost at the beginning of this cycle.
I want to honor God with my thoughts and actions. I want to lose at least 10 of those pounds again. I want to respect the body that He's given me. I want to get back into my skinny jeans. I doubt He wants all those things for me, but I'm just trying to be brutally honest here.
Where does that leave me?
I really do think tracking my calories is important. I've proven that not tracking only leads me down the fast food/junk food path.
I also think that I need to stop being obsessed with the 0.4 or whatever I gain/lose from one week to the next.
Please hold me accountable. When you see me start going off my own direction - call me out on it. "Peter is that what you should be doing?" When you see me start focusing too much on my looks - throw up a road block for me. Help me remember, even chubby, what wonderful things my body has done.
So I guess that's it. No scale for me. (Hold me!!) Smart food choices. Easy right?