June 10, 2010


As you guys know a lot has been going on with me lately.  I feel like I'm running to the doctor every week.  Checking my calendar - I've had at least one appointment a week for the past 4 weeks.  Of course next week is no exception.

There was the LOST finale party, the party for the kids, meeting April (EEEEEEEEE!) for the first time, and of course my birthday party. All of which were a lot of fun.

But I'm tired. 

The kind of bone weary tired that reminds me that I'm ill. 

Crazy that I would ever forget, but I do.  I look at my empty calendar sometimes and question why I'm stuck doing nothing.  At least nothing of any interest. 

I wonder if I'll be able to do the road race at the end of July that I penciled in months ago.

Question how I'll be feeling come September when its time to start training for the Disney.

My calendar went from looking like this (the purple marks are completed workouts):

to just a page full of red (bills to pay) and green (bills already paid) markings...

Last night I got home from visiting my sister (I didn't get to spend much time with the kids because I was ill - thank you very much iron tablets.  You are totally not cool.) and having lunch with April, to find a doctor's letter in my mailbox.

It was just a letter letting me know of my appointment next week, but the letterhead and standardized wording on the page brought me to tears.

You see hematologists are typically also oncologists.  Just like your girly doctor is probably both an OB and a GYN.  I opened to letter to see "oncology group" at the top of the page and "cancer survival center" at the bottom of the page.

I just broke down.  Is this what's its come to?  Jay reassured (or was it warned?) me that I'd be the healthiest person there.  He explained that due to his hemophilia he's been in more than his fair share of oncology wards, and the fact that they are cancer doctors doesn't mean that what's wrong with me is that serious.

Much as he tried - he couldn't make me feel better.  After all his visits are due to his potentially life threatening blood condition.

I KNOW I'm getting worked up over nothing.  I'm CONFIDENT most of the time that its nothing too serious.

But then I get tired and worn down.  And I think about the uncertain.  I wonder what the beep is wrong with me.

I just want to curl up in a ball, take a nap, and not wake up until I'm fixed.


  1. Oh, honey, I've been there. Been run down and tired and all that jazz. Went to my PCP who drew some blood and found that my white-cell count was high. Drew another gallon of blood - came back high again.

    So then I was referred to the Hematologist. The same one my husband's grandmother sees for her Breast Cancer. I sat in the waiting room with all of these people battling Cancer and felt so sad, so guilty, so much like a weenie for complainging about being tired and run down when they were battling Cancer!

    Hang in there - hopefully they can figure out what's going on and help you get back to normal! *hugs*

  2. Saying a prayer for you, my friend. I understand how difficult it is NOT to worry and focus on the "what ifs." I know you already know this, but cling to the fact that no matter "what if," God IS.

    A while back, I thought I was facing a particularly dreary looking future and Revive Our Hearts had a great series called Facing the Future with Joy. You can find the first broadcast here. I encourage you to listen to all three.

  3. the waiting is what sucks the most, wish it wasn't so hard to do. whatever is happening, don't let it pull you into the dark. i'm glad you have Jay there to go thru this with...he seems like a pretty good rock to lean on.

    Hugs friend!

  4. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. The waiting is so hard, and I'm glad you have Jay at your side. Praying for you!

  5. Brooke, I don't know what to say. I understand your fears, even if there's *no cause for concern*. We would all be feeling the same way. Be patient, breathe deeply. And lean on Jay, and your family, and all of your friends. That's what we are all here for.

  6. Oh Brooke,

    I am sorry that you are going through this. I know how much it can suck to know something is wrong with you but doctors don't have an answer. You are a strong woman and you are going to get through this. God doesn't bring us to anything he knows we can't handle.

    Praying for you girl.

  7. I hope answers come soon. I would feel the same way. I went through a scare two years ago. During a mammogram, some strange clusters were found so I had to have a biopsy...so many thoughts ran through my head and my husband gave me the best advice - we'll cross that bridge when it comes. Thankfully the biopsy was benign. Stay strong and lean on Jay and your family/friends. We have your back.

  8. Oh honey I'm so sorry you're in the dark still. The waiting and wondering and worrying stinks.
    I am hoping and praying for only the best outcome. Hang in there.

  9. You will be fine. I'm kinda deep in something myself too. And the best thing I did last night was go to church. It gave me such peace. You are going to be "fixed". I'll be thinking of you and sending good vibes! Hang in there and hope you are feeling better soon, my friend.

  10. I got nothing but hugs & parayers for ya girlie!! & a shoulder & an ear when you need it!!

  11. (((hug))) That's so frustrating, having to wait and not knowing what's causing your symptoms. We're waiting with you, and praying for you, Super Boo! :-)

  12. Hang in there Brooke - You probably know this, but I work as an oncology nurse and our office is a Hematology/Oncology Practice. I want to encourage you to twist your thinking and think of it in terms of "thank God they are sending me to the people who are experts with anemia" Trust me, there are more reasons than we know what to do with for anemia that is not cancer related. We see patients every day for benign anemia (not life threatening) and once figured out we send them on their way back to their general doc.

    I don't in any way want to minimize your fear because it IS scary to go to an office associated with oncology, but I just wanted to give you another perspective... In this case, your husband is giving you great insight.

    Take a deep breath and know that you are going to the best place for you to get to the bottom of your anemia. Praying for you!

  13. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I can't even begin to understand how you feel. Know that you are in my prayers and that God will pull you through this. Please lean on him, Jay, and your friends to help you through. ((hugs))

  14. Aww hun that's so hard! You are such a strong woman already, and just think how much strong you will be when all of this is over. Just remember that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Lean on Him for when you need the strength to push on.

    And there is nothing wrong with curling up in a ball and bawling :-)

  15. I think you do need to take a nap. Doesn't everything look so much better after we rest.

    I am praying for you Brooke.

  16. boy do we all know how that is!! oddly when I was feeling run down I finally for the first time started taking a vitamin and I swear my energy finally started feeling better.

    at least you had a birthday surrounded by great friends from the looks of it!


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