Weigh-in day once again over at the Sisterhood. I'm holding steady at 128 again this week. I pretty much expected it given the splurges I gave into.
Last night, I hit a wall. Much like that wall distance runners get, the kind where you have to dig deep down to see if you've got what it takes to finish.
Instead of on the track, mine was on the scale.
I'm 3 pounds away from a random number I picked when I started this journey. I've dropped one pant size but only feel moderately more confident about the way I look.
Its gut check time. Why am I doing this? Is it for me? Is it for someone else? And what happens when its not good enough?
My initial complaint was that my pear shape was too out of porportion. That hasn't changed. Instead of a 2/8 top to bottom ratio, I'm a 0/6. Just as out of proportion as ever.
So maybe a 0/4 would make me happy? I believe they say its 10 pounds for every size, so is it really possible for me to lose 10 more pounds down to 118? Reading it, it sounds ridiculous and unhealthy, not to mention impossible.
And as far as others are concerned, I guess I've been relying my self worth too much on what others think. Silly, since its not called "others worth", and its a sure fire way to be let down.
I don't know that I could ever fit the Hollywood image of beautiful, therefore I'll never quite measure up. That's a tough realtiy to face. I guess I've always thought that I had something more to offer, which made the scales (metaphorically speaking) balance back. Now I'm coming to realize that it just doesn't work that way.
I think I'm going to run after work today, do a nice long 6 miler, and just think. About what I want. About who I'm doing this for.
wow! this is deep & very very ME! I have a huge post sitting in drafts about my stuggle. not sure I am brave enough to post it yet. someday.
ReplyDeletei agree with kim. and that's a question we have to ask and a question i'm not sure has an answer: when is it going to be good enough?
ReplyDeletei struggle with this as you know already.
when you get down to a certain weight, it is much.harder to lose even a pound. for me, that means i have to work harder at weights and eating because i have to build muscle and burn fat. the cardio alone just doesn't cut it. but inevitably, week after week, i maintain because i falter in the eating area. but i'm not all.that.unhappy with myself, so i feel myself being complacent and throwing caution to the wind.
i don't know. i just don't know.
if it counts, you look hot to me! and i'd also wish to be a 6! (i have weird proportions too by the way, small on top, 8 on bottom. this baby got some back. lol)
You are a very beautiful woman and God is utterly, totally and completely in love with you whether you weigh 128 or 118. Good luck on your journey ... praying that you will make your decisions based on what it means for you to be healthy and active rather than based on how other people think you should look.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I have many of the same issues as you. I am in the 127-130 range right now and I was 105 when I got married 3 years ago. While I am not "fat" now, I definitely feel bad about my body quite often because I feel like it is not the body I was used to.
You should come run a half-marathon with me in New Orleans...I think you'd beat me majorly! =)
ReplyDeleteP.S. If I were a size zero ANYWHERE (minus boobs), I don't think I'd wear clothes. I'd go naked to show it off.
ReplyDeleteWhich is probably why I'm NOT a size zero...
Brooke - Being healthy and happy is WAY more important than a number on the scale. I'd love to shed a few more pounds but I find getting an ice cream with the hubby more valuable for my life as a whole than being at some weight. When I'm so focused on working out and eating right 24/7, I'm not a happy person and I'm not fun to be around. So to me, letting my relationships and mental health self suffer isn't worth it!
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm working towards something other than weight loss, I feel better and actually shed weight too. Rather than running 10 miles because I splurged and have 1,000 calories I need to burn, I run 10 miles to improve my time and get closer to my half-marathon goal. That mind set helps me so much!
~ Katie
You are a very beautiful lady. I would also LOVE to have your current size. I am currently 8/10 or 10/12 ratio (depending on where I buy my clothes). I also know trying to decide your goal weight is very hard. According to BMI (which I don’t believe in) I am supposed to weigh 110 pounds. I know I am never going to get to that. I am currently considered obese to BMI standards because I am 156 and 4’11”. My goal weight of 130 I will still be in the “over weight” range but I will be happy with my self. That is what I used to be and I felt good about my self during that time. Don’t let any number (size, pound or Hollywood) get you down. You are an amazing woman and always offer wonderful support and advice. You can do what ever you want to!
ReplyDeleteGirlfriend, you look amazing. And you've done a great job.
ReplyDeleteI'm the opposite right now, big on top. I know, it sucks. Feeling out of proportion is just lame. But dude, size 0? Holy. You can actually shop at Abercrombie & Fitch and they won't look at you cross eyed! ;)
Try to stay positive. You look amazing. Sometimes it just takes our minds longer to catch up with what our body is already saying, ya dig?
Gotta love what the good Lord gave ya...but that's very challenging consider what Hollywood puts out there. You did an awesome job dropping a size and being so close to your goal!!! Plus, how many women would kill to be a size 0, or a size 6!?! How tall are you btw?
ReplyDeleteP.S. Thanks for stopping by my personal blog!
hugs and love to you.
ReplyDeletebeen there...on the unhealthy side. not worth it.
even though part of me longs for it again.
I hope you're able to come up with your answers soon!
Such an honest post. I have the same body type as you - small on top, junk in the trunk. I think there are questions you need to ask yourself. Stay healthy and stay true - you deserve that.
ReplyDeleteI know it's not what you want to hear, but I'm sure you realize that you can change the way your body is made. Get to the weight that makes you happy, continue working out so you can maintain the physique you've worked so hard to achieve, and then embrace yourself, girl, because you're beautiful, healthy, and strong!!
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time giving advice, as I'm nowhere near where you are now. But I do think you are asking yourself all the right questions.
ReplyDeleteYou are at a healthy weight. You seem wonderfully happy, with everything except your lower body measurements. I'm not an advocate of *giving up* but I do firmly believe in re-examining your goals and adjusting as need be.
There's no shame in continuing your running, continuing your healthy eating habits, and just letting go of the numbers on the scale or the size tag. They may move, they may not. But you are treating yourself well and taking good care of your body, and focused on being the best that YOU can be.
What a great post, Brooke. I honestly think that a weight journey is 90% mental. Getting to a point where you're happy can be hard. It's finding a healthy and happy healthy point is important, though.
ReplyDeleteHave a great run and think time. :) You are a beautiful woman!
Hi Brooke. Thanks for stopping over today. I think if you feel good, you shouldn't have to worry about what others think...I'm saying that to myself...and to you. ;) I have the same issues. I was at the grocery store the other day and it was really hard because there was a French couple walking through the store alongside of me and I was feeling like they were talking about the fat American and checking out what was in my cart. I don't know if that's true, but I was really self-conscious. I need to continually check why I'm doing it and really refocus on health instead of looks.
ReplyDeleteHave a great run and time of contemplation.
1. I expect an email from you tomorrow so we can talk this out.
ReplyDelete2. Quit being so hard on yourself. Look how far you've come! Do not go back to the old Brooke.
3. I expect an email from you tomorrow so we can talk this out.
That is all.
You are beautiful and I hope that you find happiness and peace with yourself!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I really think it's more about how YOU feel about yourself that truly matters. You could weigh 300 lbs and still think you are the sexiest woman on earth. It's all about confidence and how you wear it. It's amazing how we can put so much on our shoulders about what we look like and how much we weigh, when in reality others see us for the beautiful human beings we are, no matter what's on the outside.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're digging deep within yourself to figure out what this all means to you. It's hard to do that sometimes and I admire you for it!
Great post. Very encouraging!
ReplyDelete