January 19, 2010

Me, bearing all

Today is True Confessions Tuesday over at the Sisterhood.  While this is a confessional post, its not the classic bullet points "oh crap I pigged out on beer, wings, and pizza last night confessional.  (And before you ask, yes I did pig out on wings, I just had two slices of pizza and one beer though, so surely that's not pigging out on them.)

Moving on to the point.

I was very weepy this weekend, and mostly I knew why.  I took on the financal responsiblity of purchasing our first home - in the process using a huge chunk of the money we had saved up for the down payment.  We're knee deep in repairs and remodeling of a home that didn't need much work on it.  (God bless anyone who has the patience for a fixer.)

All of this is on top of my respiratory illness that I'm feeding by not resting fighting off AND its just the week for me to be hormonal and moody.

Okay seriously I'm getting to the point soon.

My confession?

I don't like myself. 

Even when I have a moment of complete awesomeness, I have a hard time stepping back and just enjoying it.

This weekend I beat my personal 5K record.  Coughing and hacking the entire final mile.  Then I returned to the farm house overwhelmed at everything there was to do.  How is one woman supposed to clean 2500 square feet of old house that's not been lived in for a year?

Boo freakin hoo right?  I mean I have this incredible new house and all I can do is whine about it.

And it wasn't by myself.  Jay has already put in many late nights painting, ripping up baseboards, and general manly type things trying to make our home perfect.

Yet all I could do on Saturday is stand in the kitchen with my head up my butt.

Thankfully, my parents arrived and my mom helped me formulate a game plan - after she and my dad took steel wool to plug up all potential rodent entry points.

The next day, I struggled to get Jay to church.  We've finally found a church we both liked, and now he's resisting again.  I don't wanna be the wife who has to go to church by herself.

Then why the beep did you marry a non-Christian??

I whined around enough that he decided just going with me was worth getting me to shut up We compromised, skipped Sunday school, and just went to preaching.

Following an amazing service, Jay and I met my friend/coworker/workout buddy at the house.  Using my mom's game plan of attacking the rooms that don't have to be painted/carpeted/baseboarded*, she and I managed to clean the 3 rooms from ceiling to floor.  I was on window/vent/ceiling fan duty, while she hit the baseboards, walls, and floors. 

Thanks to a great friend, I'm done until Jay's work progresses.

*Most of the house has 12 inch baseboards - yep, that's right.  They are huge and beautiful.  The newer part of the house has only 6 inch baseboards - Jay has ripped up the 6 inchers and is going to custom make 12 inch baseboards for the kitchen, den, master bedroom, master bath, and downstairs bathroom.

So I've just kicked the 5K's rear (and trust me it was more than a race - it was a test of will), and gotten my head above water on the house.  Nothing can hold me back right?


Yesterday (facebook friends can checkout the pics - everyone else has to wait for the blog) I went on a hike with Jay, this same super awesome friend and her hubby.  Only I was the weak link.  I'm not sure if it was a lack of energy due to poor food choices the day before and that morning, or if I'm just not as strong as the rest (I'm trying to pretend that's not it since my friend and I have a very similar exercise routine, although she does hike more.) No matter the reason - I sucked yesterday. 

We hiked to Spence Field and everyone else wanted to continue.  On the way to Rocky Top, I had to stop.  Thankfully they went head and left me and Jay to my mental breakdown.  My poor, wonderful husband tried his best to encourage me.

He'd seen my Wall of Motivation and reminded me of Derek Redman's never give up attitude.  "Well he was just stupid.  I CAN'T do this Jay."  Lots of crying, lots of him telling me I was almost there.  Lots of me telling him to shut the f up.

In the end I just kept going because I was sure that I'd probably fall hurt myself along the way, and wouldn't that make him feel like a jackass for pushing me.  Only I didn't.  Guess we all know who the real jackass is.

The hike back down was great and I was very much looking forward to our dinner at the Brewery.  Jay and I decided to split 2 pounds of wet wings and a large pizza.  After all I'd just burned 2100 calories on the hike, I deserved it right.

After sucking the meat off the bone of 8 wings, I started feeling guilty.  All that hard work and I just blew it on dinner.

Because I deserve it?  I don't deserve a cussed thing.

On the ride home I felt bloated, but I was very much looking forward to a nice hot bath in our jetted tub.  I planned on staying in there at least an hour.  Once I got in, I couldn't help but obess about my bloated tummy and fat legs. 

I finally got out so I wouldn't have to look at myself any more.

So we're back to my confession - I don't like me.

I know how to fix it.  I really do.  Stop focusing on me.  Look to God, focus on Him.  Focus on being a godly wife to a husband that puts up more mood swings than any man should have to.  Focus on being a good daughter and not cussing my dad out.  Focus on being the kind of Christian that shows my niece and nephew what a Godly life is all about, stepping up to the plate and being the godmother I should be.

Only its not that simple.  I'm tired, run down, and emotional.  Letting go should be easy, but for a control freak perfectionist me its not.

So there you have me - my dirty secret exposed.

Hopefully your confessions are much more fun/light hearted.


  1. Your confessions were really deep this week! But you're entitled to those kind of weeks. You're human. We all feel that way. The important thing is picking yourself out of that rut and seeing that you are WONDERFUL person and you're a very big inspiration to many people!

  2. admiring your honesty and identifying with the control freak-ness and perfectionist tendencies...i constantly hold myself to crazy standards and then get super down on myself when i fall short. but my mom says a perfectionist falling short is usually better than an underachiever making their goal. LOL

  3. Oh Brooke...you needed a hug too this weekend didn't you!

    1st and foremost...congrats on breaking your PR! That is awesome and a testiment to how far you've come! The hiking is different, so don't feel too bad about that. I'm glad you enjoyed some stuff but know too well about feeling bad about it.

    And the house thing amazes me...you guys are working your little arses off getting this thing done! Be sure to enjoy the process and not just rush to get it done. You have time...don't beat yourself up!

  4. Oh, Brooke. I'm so sorry. Really.

    First off, congratulations on beating your 5K time! WOOOHOOOOO! That's so awesome and I'm so proud of you!!!

    You have SO much going on. You do. Buying a house is one of the most stressful events in a marriage, and a house that needs a lot of work is even more stressful. Cut yourself some slack. It sounds like your mom set you on the right track with the gameplan. Just stick with it, and you'll get everything done. Your new house will be perfect and amazing!!! It sounds like an awesome house, too? Twelve inch baseboards? TO DIE FOR!!!!

    Don't beat yourself up, okay? You are smart, strong and sexy. You're also one of the sweetest people I know.


  5. Oh, Brooke. I'm so sorry you had a hard week/weekend. You're an AMAZING person. I haven't even met you and I wish I have. I love reading your stories and you inspire me. Everyone has bad days/week. You just need to keep your chin up so you can get through it.

  6. admitting to it is 1/2 the battle :) have you ever tried FLYLady.org? it can be so much more than just cleaning house! (coming from one perfectionist/control freak to another) {{{{hugs}}}}

  7. I am also sorry you had a rough week/weekend. I am happy that you did your PR on your race especially with being sick. That is awesome. Maybe the hike was too much with being sick and doing the race and everything else? Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have hard days/weeks,etc. It is also okay to splurge on food here and there too.
    Keep up the good work.

  8. Sorry to hear you're feeling a little rough around the edges, Brooke. We all have days/weeks/months like that, too. It sounds like you're scraped a little thin right now.

    Take care of the things that matter most -- mostly meaning your own health and well-being. And Jay of course. The house and the other details are, in the end, just details.

  9. It gets overwhelming huh. I'm SO sorry. If I can do anything to help, please let me know. It's not THAT far of a drive, and I need a little getaway...and I'm the kind of person to whom cleaning someone ELSE'S house IS a getaway. LOL.

    I know how it feels to not like...or despise...yourself. It's an awful place. Here's to you getting away from it soon!

  10. I think we all have that feeling at times. Just remember that God loves you, He made you and He does good work!
    PS - I have a friend who has been married for 20 years and her husband became a Christian last week. There's been lots of people praying for him and I know there are lots of people praying for Jay too!

  11. Wow, how am I supposed to follow that confession? Seriously, you had a rough week, but there were so many good points in it as well. (PR in your 5K, your amazing hike-awesome pictures BTW, making progress on your house). I know sometimes our perceptions get a little out of wack, but we need to sometimes have a little meltdown to get our acts together again. I give you tons of credit for taking on all that you have - you are a rock - and God has blessed you, whether you can see it right now or not. You have encouraged me in so many ways and I hope I can do the same for you someday.

  12. It's true whoever said that moving is one of the most stressful events a marriage can go through. Thanks for being so real and honest. We have all had those mornings/days/weeks. Don't be so hard on yourself. You work hard, you're an amazing person and remember one day at a time.

  13. We have all been there for sure. I am so sorry. Sometimes being a girl just blows.
    Congrats on your 5k time, thats awesome.
    I have to admit my favorite part was when you confessed about why you continued on the hike---I have sooooo done that, sooooo many times.

    I hope you are feeling better and things are looking up.

  14. My heart aches for you. I can relate to everything you are feeling. Part of me obsesses about my "horrible" problems and the other part of me feels immense guilt from my obsession of those truly tiny problems.

    But buying and remodeling a house is a big job. And it is scary. Trust me, finances are always at the root of my anxiety. And I am always thinking, "What did we get ourselves into to?"

    But I also remember what my faith has taught me. I can walk threw any fire with Jesus by my side. You'll do the same.

    Sending many happy thoughts and cyber hugs your way!

  15. I so respect your honesty and willingness to put it all out there... The truth is that life is full of minute to minute decisions and it isn't always easy. Hang in there as you strive to like and maybe even LOVE yourself. You are a beautiful person and deserve to embrace that.

    Great job on your 5K milestone!

  16. ummmm...i thought my parents only gave birth to me and 3 brothers, not a younger daughter too. must have happened once i got married and moved away! I feel your pain, sister, but YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!! and YOU ARE NOT FAT!! I am so stinkin' proud of you for running your race with such an awesome time! Especially with lung problems!!
    I know that moving and dealing with the pressures of home remodeling can be some of the most stressful things ever, but think of the results! You are gonna have the most awesome home EVER!!
    I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now...but as God says, NOTHING is impossible with HIM!!
    Keep your head up and you will pull through this rough patch and be a better person for it.

  17. Hey - I'm impressed that you make it to church. I was in a "non-church-going" phase when I met my husband and have just gotten out of the habit. I miss it, but I know he doesn't care for it...

  18. Wow. That was such a deep, emotional, intense post. Moving is a huge stressor. Been there, done that. Still dealing with remains of it as we try to get our MN house. You are SMART. You are STRONG. You are SEXY. You are BEAUTIFUL. Don't let this get you down. You're an AMAZING lady. And you ARE worth it. (Congrats on the 5K time!)


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