Me, bearing all

Today is True Confessions Tuesday over at the Sisterhood.  While this is a confessional post, its not the classic bullet points "oh crap I pigged out on beer, wings, and pizza last night confessional.  (And before you ask, yes I did pig out on wings, I just had two slices of pizza and one beer though, so surely that's not pigging out on them.)

Moving on to the point.

I was very weepy this weekend, and mostly I knew why.  I took on the financal responsiblity of purchasing our first home - in the process using a huge chunk of the money we had saved up for the down payment.  We're knee deep in repairs and remodeling of a home that didn't need much work on it.  (God bless anyone who has the patience for a fixer.)

All of this is on top of my respiratory illness that I'm feeding by not resting fighting off AND its just the week for me to be hormonal and moody.

Okay seriously I'm getting to the point soon.

My confession?

I don't like myself. 

Even when I have a moment of complete awesomeness, I have a hard time stepping back and just enjoying it.

This weekend I beat my personal 5K record.  Coughing and hacking the entire final mile.  Then I returned to the farm house overwhelmed at everything there was to do.  How is one woman supposed to clean 2500 square feet of old house that's not been lived in for a year?

Boo freakin hoo right?  I mean I have this incredible new house and all I can do is whine about it.

And it wasn't by myself.  Jay has already put in many late nights painting, ripping up baseboards, and general manly type things trying to make our home perfect.

Yet all I could do on Saturday is stand in the kitchen with my head up my butt.

Thankfully, my parents arrived and my mom helped me formulate a game plan - after she and my dad took steel wool to plug up all potential rodent entry points.

The next day, I struggled to get Jay to church.  We've finally found a church we both liked, and now he's resisting again.  I don't wanna be the wife who has to go to church by herself.

Then why the beep did you marry a non-Christian??

I whined around enough that he decided just going with me was worth getting me to shut up We compromised, skipped Sunday school, and just went to preaching.

Following an amazing service, Jay and I met my friend/coworker/workout buddy at the house.  Using my mom's game plan of attacking the rooms that don't have to be painted/carpeted/baseboarded*, she and I managed to clean the 3 rooms from ceiling to floor.  I was on window/vent/ceiling fan duty, while she hit the baseboards, walls, and floors. 

Thanks to a great friend, I'm done until Jay's work progresses.

*Most of the house has 12 inch baseboards - yep, that's right.  They are huge and beautiful.  The newer part of the house has only 6 inch baseboards - Jay has ripped up the 6 inchers and is going to custom make 12 inch baseboards for the kitchen, den, master bedroom, master bath, and downstairs bathroom.

So I've just kicked the 5K's rear (and trust me it was more than a race - it was a test of will), and gotten my head above water on the house.  Nothing can hold me back right?

Wrong.

Yesterday (facebook friends can checkout the pics - everyone else has to wait for the blog) I went on a hike with Jay, this same super awesome friend and her hubby.  Only I was the weak link.  I'm not sure if it was a lack of energy due to poor food choices the day before and that morning, or if I'm just not as strong as the rest (I'm trying to pretend that's not it since my friend and I have a very similar exercise routine, although she does hike more.) No matter the reason - I sucked yesterday. 

We hiked to Spence Field and everyone else wanted to continue.  On the way to Rocky Top, I had to stop.  Thankfully they went head and left me and Jay to my mental breakdown.  My poor, wonderful husband tried his best to encourage me.

He'd seen my Wall of Motivation and reminded me of Derek Redman's never give up attitude.  "Well he was just stupid.  I CAN'T do this Jay."  Lots of crying, lots of him telling me I was almost there.  Lots of me telling him to shut the f up.

In the end I just kept going because I was sure that I'd probably fall hurt myself along the way, and wouldn't that make him feel like a jackass for pushing me.  Only I didn't.  Guess we all know who the real jackass is.

The hike back down was great and I was very much looking forward to our dinner at the Brewery.  Jay and I decided to split 2 pounds of wet wings and a large pizza.  After all I'd just burned 2100 calories on the hike, I deserved it right.

After sucking the meat off the bone of 8 wings, I started feeling guilty.  All that hard work and I just blew it on dinner.

Because I deserve it?  I don't deserve a cussed thing.

On the ride home I felt bloated, but I was very much looking forward to a nice hot bath in our jetted tub.  I planned on staying in there at least an hour.  Once I got in, I couldn't help but obess about my bloated tummy and fat legs. 

I finally got out so I wouldn't have to look at myself any more.

So we're back to my confession - I don't like me.

I know how to fix it.  I really do.  Stop focusing on me.  Look to God, focus on Him.  Focus on being a godly wife to a husband that puts up more mood swings than any man should have to.  Focus on being a good daughter and not cussing my dad out.  Focus on being the kind of Christian that shows my niece and nephew what a Godly life is all about, stepping up to the plate and being the godmother I should be.

Only its not that simple.  I'm tired, run down, and emotional.  Letting go should be easy, but for a control freak perfectionist me its not.

So there you have me - my dirty secret exposed.

Hopefully your confessions are much more fun/light hearted.