April 14, 2010

Spring Fling Week 7 aka the End is in Sight!

Sisterhood Spring Fling Challenge

Good morning all.  Okay first things first - the scale.

Challenge start: 125.4
Goal weight: 120?
Last week: 123.8
This week: 123.4

What?  Um, that totally wasn't supposed to happen.  If you read my confessions yesterday you know that this was my sabatoge week.  No, I don't plan it out, but as I was sitting in the McDonald's drive thru on Monday I realized that's exactly what I was doing.

This week is my week for Aunt Flow to visit, for me to ride the cotton pony or whatever silly phrase we use to talk about the week that all hell breaks loose on our bodies.  We blame our cravings on Mother Nature, we blame her for the bloat gain for the week.  No, its not the burger, large fries, and large coke in my hands - its that damn TOM.

Only what was really keeping me from losing was me.  I'm insecure.  The more you know me the more you know to what degree.  (In case you were wondering I fall in the "lightly more than normal" teetering on the brink of "effed up nut job".) 

What if I lost more and it still wasn't good enough?

Add to that revelation my darling love.  Any of you who are married know that sometimes men are idiots.  As Mrs. Charlie says in the Farm Bureau commercials "I didn't want you to fix it, I just wanted you to listen."

(BTW - If you're not a southerner and haven't seen the FB/Charlie commericals you're missing out.  They're very cute.)

I'm trying not to let the scale be my sole guide, so for the past year and a half I've been measured by one of the fitness instructors on a quarterly basis.  She does my wellness assessment for work, and then afterward takes all the standard measurements.

(BTW - I lost 1.5% body fat in the past quarter.  I'm down to 21.1% body fat.)

Here were the results -

Biceps -¼ each, -½ total

Upper chest -¼
Upper Stomach +1
Waist -¾
Lower stomach -1
Thighs, calves, hips stay the same.

The chest/upper stomach measurements might not be accurate, as I was too lazy to change from my regular bra into a sports bra (which is what I usually wear for measurements.) 

Part of the reason I started this journey was because I was sick of my circus freak shape.  My bottom half was 3 sizes larger than my top half.  Never had a problem with my top half.  At my biggest?  I was a size 2 up top (and a 32B I might add - I rather enjoyed being a B). 

What the beep am I supposed to do with these numbers?  My waist (which I'm apparently still losing from) is only 2 1/2 inches bigger than ONE thigh!

I'll admit it - I snooped in the Hood Shred group measurements.  I'm the queen of comparing myself to other people. 
So what does this have to do with my darling hub-sand?  When he took me out to lunch yesterday, I was bemoaning the fact that through out everything I've done the past 6 months - the half marathon training, the triathlon training, the calorie counting - I can't get my thighs to budge. 
His answer: You're not pushing yourself hard enough.
Seriously??  The previous measurements were done half way through my half training.  When I was measured I was only up to a "long" run of 6 miles.  My training took me all the way up to a race distance of 13.1 miles. 
But I'm not pushing myself hard enough?
My triathlon training program calls for me to eventually swim 350m surrounded by other swimmers in a pool.  Do you know when I was taught to swim?  NEVER.  Over the course of the past two months I've taught myself the following: how to keep my head under water.  how to breath to the side instead of to the front, that my arms should enter the water bent instead of straight.  Things I'm currently working on: bilateral breathing & leading with the top of my head instead of my forehead to reduce drag. 
But I'm not pushing myself hard enough?
I set a goal of a 10 minute mile for my last 5K.  I worked for 8 weeks doing speed work and consistant runs in order to get my time down.  My obstacle for speed?  Not being able to catch my breath.  Gasping for air and wheezing.  My doctor has since given me 2 prescription drugs for exercise induced asthma.  But the reason I can't run faster, can't breathe at the faster pace is...
Because I'm not pushing myself hard enough???
You know what the real pisser of it all is?  Even though it makes no sense.  Even though I have this list - and more - to prove just how off base he is.  Depsite it all.
Deep down I actually believe him.
That's the part that scares me.  That worries me. 
Despite all I've done to try to prove to me (and bottom line - I do all of this for me and no one else) that I can do what I set out to do - I still don't believe it.
Ironic that this all should come to a head this week.  The week that I'm elbow deep in So Long Insecurties by Beth Moore.  I feel like screaming up to heaven I GET IT - I'M INSECURE.  NOW FIX ME!!
Because what's the point of understanding all of this in my head if my heart is still asking What if I'm never good enough?
I know, I know.  I owe you my $15 copay for you making it to the end of this blog.  Sorry.


  1. You truly are an amazing person. Unfortunately everybody has insecurities. It sucks, but it’s true. I think you are pushing yourself to hard. You are doing all this work and get upset when you don't see the # you expect. You are wonderful. Just remember that.

  2. I think everybody goes through this. No matter how in shape we'll be or how skinny we are, we always think, "I could do better." And...you can -- if you want to live a miserable life. You COULD exercise five hours a day, have no social life, and eat rabbit food day after day after day after day. Or you could say, "You know what, 123 lbs is pretty good, and I'm happy with that." =) That's what I think...and I'm MUCH heavier than you!! lol

  3. OK you are one of the most disciplined people I know. You do push your self. But what you think might be pushing hard enough may not be in his eyes. You keep up the good work!! You will make it! And don't think that for one minute you are messed up! You are just like the rest of us. Only my crazy comes in the form of a clean house/ OCD clean bathroom tendencies!!

  4. Everytime I look in the mirror, I second guess whether I see someone who's lost weight or a bunch of parts that need fixing. Gosh, we are so critical of ourselves, huh? I've been bitching and moaning how I've been stuck, teeter-tottering this plateau right along with you, but honestly, I think we're building muscle as fast as we're burning fat, and the scale.just.won't.budge. I personally am going to try assloads of cardio this week to see if I can help move the scale any.

    In the meantime, I just want to tell you that I'm so proud of you. <3

  5. Men have a problem of speaking without thinking! He probably just meant it in an off-hand way, no big deal...but it didn't come across as that. My husband is soooo guilty of doing the same thing!

    It's sound like you are working hard!!!

    Thanks for linking up.

  6. Maybe he meant it ironically? Because I honestly don't see how you could work harder or more consistently at fitness.

    Do you think it may be helpful for you to write down a wholistic (mental, physical, social, spiritual) definition of what "being good enough" means to you? It may help to reassure you about the many areas in which you are good enough and then some, and help plan the areas in which you want to grow.

    I'm in awe of your fantastic physical condition. 21.1% body fat! Holy...hmm, "cow" is definitely not the right word here...Holy leaping gazelles! You're improving gradually with every workout. It's probably like the "last 5 pounds," in that the changes will occur more gradually.

    Also, give your triathlon training a chance. It's a change in your fitness, and it might "surprise" your body into changing, too. I've read that changing up your fitness can keep your body on its toes.

    FWIW, I'm not a pear shape (heart-disease-risk-apple, here, *sigh*), but even for me, there was much more dramatic changes in the bust-waist-hip measurement changes than in my thigh measurement changes. From what I've read, spot reduction is not supposed to work, but I might actually do more pilates this summer, as an experiment to see what happens.

  7. Nonsense! Pretty sure if I workout the way you push yourself, I might die... just throwing that out there!

  8. Your good enough...and you push yourself hard enough. You own what you think...You thoughts are yours to dismiss. Just because you think them, doesn't mean they are true. You get to pick what thoughts you believe.

  9. oh girl, i just wanna reach through the computer and HUG YOU! because that's ME! ME! ME! ME!

    and honestly, every ounce of inch and pound isn't gonna matter till you fix the inside (i.e. insecurities.)

    yes, you're pushing yourself hard. you're kicking your own ass on a daily basis. (yes you can shoot me, but i'm just asking, do you do leg presses and whatnot? when i did a lot of running, nothing worked like good old leg presses on my ASS. i'm sure you are, just checkin tho. i have a killer gym legpress workout if you want it tho.) Anyhoo, you have to stop the negative circus freak talk NUMBER ONE! (yes, pot calling kettle right now) but that's where it starts. you ARE good enough, you're allowed to be 123 pounds and even 120 pounds and even further, YOU DESERVE TO BE PROUD OF IT! So own that, dear brookie. xo

  10. Okay, I know you are ranting but listen, you have to realize where you are. 21% body fat? It really doesn't get much better than that. And that is great! And your legs? Well you are doing everything right, it is really difficult to fight genetics. It sounds like your body is where it needs to be.

    Tough love here - girl, you are wonderful, on track and doing big things. Celebrate yourself and your victories!

  11. Oh, he's just a silly boy. What does he know?! Let me know if you have any "aha" moments with the book ~ I'm considering reading it!

  12. ah, yes, that old insecurity. Ugh.

    and guys just.don't.get.it. i'm learning that more and more. sigh. mine's pretty great and we still have moments like last night where we just have a communication breakdown...

    you're beautiful, amazing, and you inspire ME when i want to give up--that's pretty incredible!

  13. OK now! You can stop beating yourself up already!!!! Don't spend your LIFE worrying about three pounds!! Do what you can do, be the best you can be, and then.....just let it go! I promise you when the end comes, you won't be thinking about those three pounds..........because they just don't matter in the bigger picture. Make sense??


  14. Guys don't think. I'm sure Jay is like a typical guy and if he tries for something he can reach it. So he's assuming that you are the same, not realizing that your body is different than his. God made you to hold your weight in your thighs.

    As for not losing it, how solid are they? With all the running you've been doing my bet is that they are solid muscle. And sadly, even if they weren't, we can spot reduce. It'd be awesome to be able to chose which part of our body we lose from, but once again, that's left in God's hand.

    We all have insecurities, I'm def. teetering on the edge of "effed up nut case" for somethings, but what always pulls me back is that when I'm negative on myself and doubting myself, that I'm doubting God and telling Him that He messed up.

  15. You have been working so hard.
    Don't get upset. you push yourself so hard.


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